My apologies for running late. A fetid malaise has taken hold of Jerusalem and none of us have been able to get much sleep anymore. It's quiet now, and so perfectly still, like the eye of a hurricane. Everyone goes about his business in silence. But before I bring you up to speed on current events, allow me to regale you the goings on of last month.
This exposition is brought to you by Sprite ("What's in your Sprite?"),
and by our proud sponsor, Skittles. Actually, I-I shouldn't say proud, they aren't happy to have their name associated with this adventure... th-they're ashamed of it.
Anyway, and by Nike ("**** you, Skittles! Suck our ****!"),
and by Slimjim ("Dip my horse into the sun, brotha'!").
Okay here I go. I went to McDonalds, I said I wanted a cheeseburger, but I said I didn't want any cheese on it, though, and the lady asks me "Why you order a cheeseburger if you don't want any cheese on it?" Then I say "Betchhhhhh! Don't you talk to me wit' 'dat tone!" Then they made the cheeseburger and I got it, and when I got it, there were onions on it.
So then I went home and that's when I found out my whore wife decided to get a dog, so that's when I find out all the furniture is ripped up and pissed on and shat on. So I look at the little dog, I say "Bitchhhhhhh!" 'cause the dogs a little girl, and that's when I suddenly hear this distinct sound coming from my master bedroom. I peak inside wondering what the heck my wife is doing in there, and what do I see she's foakin' da' mailman! I say "Betchhhhh! You cheatin' on me wit' mah own wife!"
Mailman says "Hey! I'm sorry! I'm gonna' make it up to ya'. I got some soup in the refridgerator. French Onion."
"Betch, why'd it have to be onions!"
So then I'm walkin' my whore dog, 'cause you know I gotta' vent and stuff, and I start playing catch with the dog, and I distinctly throw him a white ball, and I throw it in a grassy field, and when the dog comes back she's got a white ONION in its mouth! I say "Betchhhhhhhh!"
Then later I'm at home playin' that latest Hitman videogame, Hitman:Absolution, and Jack is all "Yeehaw! Yee! Haw! I don't normaly yeehaw, but THIS is a foakin' yeehaw! Foakin' Christmass!"
And that's when I'm all "Did I write the dialogue to this game?" when all of a sudden the internet just cuts out, out of nowhere! Then the mailman comes out and says "Look, I have some letters I needed to give you. Apparently you havn't been payin' your bills."
I say "Betch, I hate bills!"
"And they're shutting off your internet today."
"I don't give a foak about internet."
"And you're getting evicted from your house this week."
"I don't give a foak about houses."
And then he says "But look at this, it's the addresse of a federal building, you can go and get some financial support!" And of COURSE I'm gonna' get some financial support! I figure I spend the money on Burger King or something 'cause they don't foak around like some little betches. So then I get there but then this lady, all she does is hand me a peice a paper with a buncha' numbers written on it!
I say "Betch, what is the meaning of this!" She says it's the coordinates to go pick up your money. I say "Betch, these coordinates would place me in the middle of the ocean!" So I rent a boat four-hundred dollars, I drive out to the specified locations, now you gotta' understand it's dark down there at night. I find a sunken treasure-chest, bust it open, there's a potato inside. I love potatoes. So I get back home, lights are on, I'm about to have some mashed potatoes IS A FOAKIN' ONION!
And THAT is how I spent my summer vacation.
Anyway, turns out I don't even have to travel anywhere if I want to visit Leng. I'm already there! I'm convinced now that I discovered in Damascus is Irem itself, the dessert fortress, of which Naxannar is but a vestibule. It's like the Tardis with whole sprawling ancient city tucked inside of it! I can walk to Faros if I want to, from here. And also Yuggoth, and Yadhit and many other strange gray worlds already ravaged by the enemy. Though the journey is still very far, yet the way is marked. All the while we are sustained by the most luscious fruit and clear water. I have left whom I hope to be a competant watch over the city proper and Jerusalem. I can't let this take too long; the desert swarms and swarms with the dragging dead and predatory hellions. What are you guys doing? I don't care, just leave me alone.
(World Event: Nyarlothotep the Prophet arrives to perform and speak in Jerusalem, performing many feats and wonders to the astonishment and paralysis of all)
(3 points)
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